April 2011, I first walked into a Bikram yoga studio on the Northshore, in Auckland, New Zealand. I had no idea what i was in for. My then 23 year old daughter encouraged me to give it a try. She said she thought it would be too hard for me to do the postures but to try to do some of them. She felt that the heat and the stretching might bring me some relief.
My journey of pain, I have not journeyed alone. I journey with many, we are like Khom-tho, ghosts among the living. We look normal, but we are only part of ourselves. Many of our Indian people struggle with serious and debilitating illnesses. Many of my family members struggle with diabetes, heart disease, cancer. My grandparents were first generation off the plains and they raised me in their old age. They were in their late sixties, early seventies when i came into their lives, a baby who weighed in at 5lbs and lost weight due to severe jaundice, who had brain surgery at six months old for a subdural hematoma, who had severe lung infections throughout my entire childhood and into my adult life. I was not an easy task for them. My loving "Kiowa mother and Father" as they were to me, struggled with diabetes, thyroid, rheumatoid arthritis, heart disease and cancer. Our road was not an easy road.
"Bay-bpay-tday" Be strong, keep going...They lived their faith. They encouraged us, like grandpa's parents, don't give up, pray. Try. So, when my eldest daughter suggest Bikram yoga, that fell under the category of "Bay-pbay-tday". I have seen since i was a small child, you dont question it, you just keep trying.
On that day in April, My husband and seventeen year old son came with me. Part of the reason was to encourage me, and I know the other part of the reason was if I needed to be carried out. Our indigenous families are like that, good and bad, thick and thin, we are all along for the ride. It was an experience so far beyond what I was used to.
The year before i sat on a beach on boxing day, and thought about the diagnosis I had just received, the blood tests came back and to add complication to chronic back pain, I have lupus and they believe that i have had it since my twenties. It is a debilitating disease, which has caused me extreme pain and altered so many health options. On its own the doctor explained I have probably around 15 years, it is episodic so we are in maintenance to control the episodes. It is an auto immune disease which attacks the organs, the heart, the kidneys, the liver, the skin. I decided on that boxing day, on a beach in the far north island of New Zealand, I was not taking this lying down. Literally I was going to walk, every day, I promised myself. First I thought, I have to get past the back pain.
In 2003 we were in a car accident which took my constant chronic back pain to a whole new level. I waited two years for the insurance companies in America (we were living there at the time) to approve a charite disc replacement. For three years I was under pain management, and had a regime of oxycontin, diazapam, steroids, neuron inhibitors, lortab, morphine, ibuprophen, tylenol three and zoloft. I was on a circus ride of trial and error. In 2005 the charite disc replacement was approved by the FDA for two level disc replacement--I needed three. I did not qualify, so the two years of drug induced delay, was for nothing. By June of 2005 I was in and out of a wheelchair and my ability to walk was steadily decreasing. I missed most of my daughters graduation from high school. With the amount of pain killers needed to walk to the convention center and sit the duration, I couldn't stay awake. There were many relatives who were callous and unforgiving of my condition because I looked "normal". I was anxious for the surgery I received to repair my L4, L5, L6. The discs were bone on bone and the nerve pain was horrible. I had a fusion, with cadaver bone, a tension bridge that looks like a straw with levers and six titanium screws. Surgery completed I remember waking to excruciating pain, it was a long road back to recovery. By 2010 I took that road, to the road and by June of 2010 had walked over 800 miles around Auckland. It was my great beginning. It led me to the door of the Bikram Yoga Studio.
Surrounded by my son and husband, and an extremely tattooed instructor named Luke, with wavy long blonde hair, I began a journey that has changed my life. I listened to what he had to say and how he said it. It was hot, it was weird, it was uncomfortable, I felt fat, I mean I felt my fat, all of it, everywhere, you cant help it, I felt my limitations, and he talked about the breath, about the mind, about "freeing the mind and the body will follow". That crazy Tdah-gkoy-gkee (white man), spoke to a part of my brain that I could hear past the freak out my mind was trying to have. So I went back, by the third class one of the owners Dave, said, "If you feel fat, do yoga". It was like he read my mind, and he didnt say it nicely, so my mind didn't argue. Yoga is not always the warm fuzzies, no, its brutal, and uncompromisingly honest at times. It teaches you to know yourself, to love yourself and honor yourself. So I kept going.
Two years later, five trips to the emergency room, a hospitalization, a major surgery over seas, eight months with no access to a yoga studio, a bout of whooping cough---(unfortunately Yoga hasnt cured my lupus.........yet) two years later- After 222 classes, 333 hours in the yoga studio, this wonderful body of mine had a major accomplishment-tonight. Tonight when i almost didnt go. But i promised myself, if i could do, i would do. Tonight, right there in the middle of rabbit pose, my L4, L5 released. I'm not sure what happened in there or if the L6 was involved, but for the first time in over seven years the pressure, pain and immobility-----let go. It just let go.
I keep crying. It is such an amazing, incredible, gift. One the instructors gave to me with their encouragement, their consistency, their energy, their time and their talent. One I gave to myself, with my patience, my determination, my hope, my effort, all at the price of an effort. My husband, who has started coming with me over the past six months has seen his own transformation, but do not underestimate the support of making sure the towels are laundered, and the yoga clothes are clean. When you burn an average of 1,000 calories a session and sweat like niagra falls, those things matter and its appreciated.
My spine had movement, and it relaxed. I fight with the rheumatoid affects every day. That crystallized cartilege like spiky crap that rakes across soft tissue hurts and yet, there is an hour and a half every day where it can not reach me---in the studio. I have angels in my life, Kelsey, Andy, Monica, Dave.....they helped be the positive voices in my head and taught me how to breath.
How many pain pills did i take today? none, how many did i take yesterday? none. The rain is coming, the air is cooling, the symptoms are flaring up. Its ok. Some days I have to medicate. Its ok. One millimeter at a time, progress is coming. My body shape is completely different, and that has been such hard work. My mind's mental shape is absolutely different, and that is even harder work. Leanardo Di Vinci said, "All of this at the price of an effort". Bikram said, "lock your knees, lock your knees, lock your knees." Today in tears I said, "my spine released".
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